Season 1, Episode 7: Detention

First of all, above and beyond ANYTHING ELSE in this episode:

Dawson's hair looks really unnaturally pretty all of a sudden. Like, did he start using a new shampoo? His hair looks like...a lion's wild untamed splendiforous mane. I'm surprised that, in all the one-upmanship that goes on between Pacey and Dawson this episode, no-one is like "Pacey, you might have a better bod, but CHECK OUT DAWSON'S HAIR!"

Secondly: I totally remembered this one! This is the first “special” kind of themed episode of Dawson's Creek – and the theme is The Breakfast Club. The gang go so far as to point out the episode-long reference for those who may not be big John Hughes fans (I have to admit, I'm not really a big John Hughes fan and have maybe seen the Breakfast Club once, a long time ago) It doesn't matter though. All you need to know is:

PACEY TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF.

Okay actually the important bit is everyone gets detention, hijinks ensue (sort of). 

But anyway. This episode is FULLY AWESOME and important in the Grand Scheme of Dawson's Creek, so let's get stuck in.

The pre-credits banter between Joey and Dawson on “movie night” focuses around Dawson's desire to switch a film off an hour and a half in, because it's “unrealistic” to him that two guys would have a drag race over a girl (I confess, I have no idea what film they're watching) and when a film is unrealistic then FUCK IT ALL THE FANTASY IS RUINED AND HIS LIFE IS OVER EMO-ATTACK. Joey mocks him by pointing out his favourite film is E.T. (seriously Dawson?! WOMP WOMP) and it descends rapidly into 1. a sexually charged wrestling match for the remote control (no wonder Joey doesn't sleep over anymore!) and then, incredibly 2. somehow, a weirdo argument about what women want in a man and WHY HASN'T JEN SLEPT WITH YOU YET DAWSON, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Joey is quite a little bitch and knows ALL the buttons to push to turn Dawson into a bundle of raw insecurity.

Movie night must have been a Thursday, because post opening credits we find out it's Friday at Capeside High, and rapidly gain yet another glimpse of a school where the teachers are incompetent. Joey is giving some kind of history presentation about shoguns and concubines and some smarmy jock kid keeps interrupting to ask stupid questions while the loser teacher just hangs out in the back of the class and lets him (if ANYONE deserved a detention, it was smarmy jock kid). Jen is in some kind of a sciencey health class where the teacher  - Mr Pickering – asks for opinions on the assigned reading on euthanasia. Apparently there is a “right” opinion (agreeing with the teacher's point of view) and a “wrong” opinion (voicing any other view) and Jen gets in a heated argument about it. And over in the gym, Pacey and Dawson are chilling on the basketball court. Only Dawson has some BARELY REPRESSED RAGE as usual because he thinks that Pacey is trying to get into Jen's pants after seeing them share a private joke together in the corridor.

Long story short: everyone ends up in Saturday detention!

• Joey: for PUNCHING OUT the smarmy jock when he cut in line in the cafeteria
• Jen: for using the word “bitch” in her argument for euthanasia
• Dawson: for throwing a basketball in Pacey's face because Pacey taunted him with a childhood nickname that apparently sums up everything he hates about himself
• Pacey: refuses to reveal his reason for being in detention until the last second (spoiler: it's embarrassing)

Joining them in detention is...school troublemaker ABBY MORGAN (who claims to be on detention for participating in an Ecstacy fuelled orgy in the boys' locker room)! 

In what is becoming an embarrassingly familiar trend: I remember hating Abby. BUT SHE'S ACTUALLY HILARIOUSLY BITCHILY AWESOME. 

While the teacher/librarian who is supposed to be supervising them watches a week's worth of Days of our Lives, Abby the master stirrer initiates a game of Truth or Dare, during which a seething Dawson is forced to watch Pacey and Jen kiss, only to have Pacey retaliate and make Joey and Dawson kiss on a dare. 

OMG DAWSON AND JOEY'S FIRST KISS YOU GUYS! 

For a full FIFTEEN SECONDS (as required by Pacey's dare to Joey). Obviously this causes ructions and despite Jen trying to lift everyone's spirits with a questionable game of “Guess That Butt” (the rules and organisation of which seemed haphazard), even Jen snaps when she realises JOEY IS ACTUALLY AFTER HER MAN:

and the (undeniable sexual) tension between all four (Abby, despite her alleged orgy experience, is excluded) continues to mount until detention becomes THE MOST AWKWARD SITUATION EVER:

If you can't see it, it's not happening.

Dawson and Jen decide to hash out their lack of sexlife in front of everyone while Joey has a quiet meltdown in the corner, which, of course, Dawson is totally oblivious to. Dawson apologises to Pacey for breaking his nose and calling him a useless waste of space good for nothing joke, but points out that Oompa Loompa is like THE WORST THING YOU CAN EVER SAY TO ANYONE, and is probably actually BANNED in some states, so he was kind of justified. 

 Maybe I have [gone retarded].

Meanwhile Joey continues her quiet meltdown in the corner. Until she EXPLODES, all gnashing teeth and snot and ugly crying, the gist of which is AWKWARD CITY: she's in love with Dawson BUT SHE CAN'T SAY IT SHE CAN'T SAY IT because she's SOOOOOO ALOOOOONE.

It's okay Joey, everyone in the room knows you've been trying to get in on Dawson's lion-mane action for weeks, except maybe Dawson because he's too into his OompaLoompa-induced pain. 

Luckily, detention's over so they all get to go home and pretend like this NEVER HAPPENED (ha just kidding!). I hope next ep Dawson goes apeshit emo!