Season 1, Episode 3: Kiss

Let's start with the most cracktastic:

Teacher of the Year Ms. Tamara Jacobs informs Pacey he's failing most of his classes. He says he's doing it on purpose, hoping for some “private tuition”. Instead of reacting like...a sane adult and (fill in the reaction of your choice here) Ms Jacobs bribes Pacey to study by offering him “positive reinforcement”. FUCK I HATE THIS STORYLINE. The woman is a crazy, unhinged bitch, and ends up humiliating Pacey and it's HEARTBREAKING.

Dawson's movie that he is desperate to enter in the Boston Film Festival (or something) gets worse and worse. As he reveals in his study period a.k.a the film class he's not even supposed to SPEAK in (and by the way, EPIC FAIL on the “studying” there, Dawson) he's a precocious hotshot at film theory (unlike the rest of the film class, proving my earlier point that Mr Gold sucks at teaching), but everything related to his Monster From the Deep film basically reeks, except the monster costume.

Doesn't matter though – he's not going to get time to finish Creature from the Reeking Creek or whatever it's called, because FLAGRANTLY DISOBEYING THE ONE RULE THAT MR GOLD LAID DOWN (shut your goddamn trap in film class) has earned him...detention?

No. Mr Gold and Dawson share a creepy eye contact moment as Dawson explains “how sports movie narratives work” to the rest of the class (you'd think the teacher would have done that already...in a film class) and Dawson earns the chance to help finish the “football team glorification” film the class is making. But yay, his sort of girlfriend that he hasn't even kissed yet Jen will be there too!

ALLEGIANCE WATCH:

Well – it's not like they WANT us to be on Team Jen, right? Here's what I'm working with:

• Season 1 can stand alone as a perfect complete capsule series: the story of Joey and Dawson, so TEAM JOEY
• Jen turns up to the football film shoot dressed as a cheerleader because Cliff (you remember, dreamboat jock Scott Foley) asked her to. Does she have no TACT? Does she not realise that Dawson is UNSTABLE? Does she not understand that DAWSON WANTS TO BE HER BOY ADVENTURE and he will CUT CLIFF, he will CUT HIM WITH A SCIMITAR. Because a knife isn't melodramatic enough for Dawson.
• My sister pointed out: back in the pilot, Jen's bad girl schtick basically consisted of alluding to moving mysteriously fast in New York and challenging her devoutly religious grandmother who very recently nearly lost her husband to say “penis”. That's not actually edgy, when you compare it to basically every single thing Joey has said or done (including marry Tom Cruise).

We're totally TEAM JOEY right now.

Joey is in fact busy flirting up a storm, spending a day sailing and building sand replicas of the grassy knoll where JFK was shot with a preppy violinist she made eyes at while hanging out with Dawson and Pacey at the Icehouse (REMEMBER THE ICEHOUSE?!). His name is Anderson and Joey reveals herself to be QUITE the accomplished liar when she meets him again – giving a fake name (Deborah Carson) and inventing a whole fantasy life for herself: rich parents, boarding school. It's really pretty fucked up, because it doesn't seem to be about making the guy like her – he already liked her; it's about escaping her reality. Plus, Anderson seems like a pretty nice, upfront guy, and one of the first things he says is that dishonesty is a dealbreaker.

Also, he sees Joey's true nature:

Whatever they have is going to be a good time, not a long time. With this in mind, the fact that literally EVERYTHING she tells Anderson is outrageously untrue and her whole practical carpe diem attitude, Joey does get the first kiss of the episode – making it THE kiss of the title? I think this would have been a downer back in the day, like NO IT SHOULD BE WITH DAWSON – but now I applaud her practicality...and her creativity. Hah, how the years change us.

All her lies, of course come back to bite her when Anderson meets her in the company of Jen and Dawson. Plots thicken all over the place: rival Jen covers Joey's lie because she's all “us girls need to stick together” not realising that Joey would shiv her with a sharpened toothbrush in a SECOND; Dawson is irritatingly oblivious – like – he's THICK and makes you wonder why ANY girl would end up crushing on him: “Her name's not Deborah?”, Joey is just...really awkward at covering her own awkward, outrageous lies. Like, come on. If you're gonna do it, go full throttle. Tell Anderson that oblivious Dorkson is your butler and then order him to do shit for you. Especially if Jen's got your back, girl! Never mind Joey. You'll learn. In fact, I've got a new unifying theory of Dawson's Creek:

This series isn't even about Dawson at all. IT'S ABOUT JOEY.

Sure, the title of the entire series is misleading, given it names Dawson. But it also names a creek. The creek, I think you will agree, has little or no significance to the overall story arc. (Is it just me that remembers the theory that the significance of the show's title was that ultimately, Dawson would die and his ashes would be scattered in the creek – hence, Dawson's Creek? Well, spoiler alert, THAT NEVER HAPPENS. But that would have been an awesome way to end things).

Fact: Only ONE core cast member appears in all 128 episodes of Dawson's Creek. That person is NOT James van der Beek, but instead Katie Holmes (I don't know why I still know this, but it's true. I wasn't exaggerating when I said DC was MY SHOW).

The prompt for me thinking about this is the pre-credits banter between Dawson and Joey in this episode. It's Movie Night chez Dorkson, and tonight the film is From Here to Eternity, starring Montgomery Clift and Deborah Kerr. The whole conversation between Dorkson and Joey foreshadows the rest of the episode for each of them, and reveals the fundamental heart of each character.

Seriously, I'm getting all geeky on it, but this episode is where I start getting sucked in. And this pre-credits banter, and in fact, every time DC references another text (and it happens AN AWFUL LOT – it's just that DC fans were never as geeky as LOST fans to sit and analyse every intertextual reference (plus as already discussed, back in the late 90s, the internet wasn't as much of a thing as it is now) is IMPORTANT, so pay attention when they talk film or tv.

Dawson really is a fantasist, or, if we are being kind, an eternal romantic. He believes that life can be EXACTLY like it is in the movies (e.g. perfect, glossy, blemish-free romance) and actually tells Joey that he is prepared to go to any lengths to stage/production-manage his life to ensure the important moments – e.g. his first kiss with Jen – are ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. To be fair to Dawson: he is viewing the world through love and hormone tinted lenses; everything is shiny happy rainbows as long as things are going well with Jen.

If you listen to that and roll your eyes and snort and/or vomit in your mouth a little, then you are with me over on Team Joey. Joey points out that FILM IS NOT REAL LIFE, that Deborah Kerr would have got sand in her crotch rolling round on the beach and that Montgomery Clift was gay.

James van der Beek is an excellent actor because he looks genuinely wounded as Joey punctures his romantic illusions. Oh god, I hope he is an excellent actor.

Joey can't believe that Dawson hasn't kissed Jen yet (but she's secretly happy, am I right?) and is just like “Just DO it, Dorkson. Moisten your bottom lip and make her mouth dance like Man Meat taught you!”

Okay fine, she doesn't reveal that she was spying on THE WORLD'S MOST AWKWARD MOMENT, but she is all like “you can't stage manage a kiss, control freak, just let it happen and LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD not in your film fantasies”. Joey clearly is erring towards waaaay too cynical for a mere 15 years of age but let's examine the facts:

1. Her mother died tragically and as revealed last episode, endured an adulterous criminal husband AS SHE WAS DYING OF CANCER.
2. Her dad is in prison for reasons as yet unrevealed on the show but we all know it's drugs, right?
3. It's only suggested in a weird subtle way, but Joey's poor compared to some of the other kids at Capeside. She works a lot of hours in the restaurant run by her sister Bessie and her sister's (gasp) black boyfriend Bodie, seemingly because she HAS to, not for pocket money.
4. SHE'S SUFFERING FROM UNREQUITED LOVE FOR DORKSON. How humiliating – to love your best friend, who is totally oblivious and insensitive and keeps flaunting just how much you are in the friend zone IN YOUR FACE.

Also, I just have to say: I once went out with a guy who thought EXACTLY like Dawson with the whole “romance should be just like the movies” thing, and let me tell you this. The flipside is that when anything goes wrong – even the slightest disagreement – it's like the whole perfect world has crumbled for the eternal romantic, who goes from “everything is rainbows and sparkles” to “my heart is a gaping wound filled with oppressive gloom” very quickly. Like Dawson last episode.

Anyway – my theory. It's all about Joey. I don't know why she's fascinating me this time round. I'm going to watch her and see if she changes (and I think she does) – as in, does her character grow from being this cynical closed off girl? (I think she does). Does Dawson ever grow out of his need to mould reality to fit his fantasy? NO. He still ends up a film-maker, doesn't he? (Don't tell me).

But you know (back to the episode I'm supposed to be talking about) Dawson just can't resist ignoring all the quite practical advice Joey gave him. He and Jen head up to ''the ruins'' to shoot 5 seconds of footage for his monster film; 5 seconds that require this awesome song playing in the background:

and lots of candles that make no sense being in ANY film (told you his movie sucked) and like, a curtain hung up beside a freaking fountain. This is how Dawson Leery creates romance.

Because...IT'S ALL PART OF A SCHEME TO TRY AND KISS JEN...AND SECRETLY FILM IT.

In an echo of what happened last episode, Jen gets really mad, Dawson gets really earnest and GUTTINGLY GETS THE GIRL  despite having been the ultimate creepy creeper. The two have to run and hide mid argument when they hear someone approaching the ruins. Obviously cobwebs and darkness are aphrodisiacs because that's how Dawson finally gets his unplanned kiss:

Crucially as Jen and Dawson hide, they leave the still-running video camera behind....and what it captures to teenage me was thrillingly shocking; to adult me: HORRIFYING:

Viewing this through adult eyes: Pacey's fucked-upness makes a bunch more sense now. Shit is getting real.

Season 1, Episode 2: Dance

First of all, what is UP with the teachers at Capeside High?

We have Mr Gold, the film teacher who, in the pilot episode, bluntly explained to Dawson why an overwhelming sense of entitlement and a “lifelong passion for film”are not enough to make him bend the rules and allow a freshman into a film class intended for sophomores. Basically, Dawson was told in the pilot that with demand for the popular class running so high, he's gonna have to wait a year to take the class.

This episode, Dawson has found a loophole: he just happens to have 5^th period as his study period, but the library is just so crowded and “sweaty”. God knows I hate a sweaty library. He's good to spend study period with Mr Gold, if that's cool with Mr Gold.

Oh. coincidentally, 5^th period is when Mr Gold teaches the film class that he wouldn't let Dawson into.

DAWSON IS A MANIPULATIVE, PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE LITTLE BITCH.

So instead of Mr Gold saying “No, suck it up in the library, Princess, learn to follow the goddamn rules because good things come to those who wait”, he decides the best way to teach Dawson a valuable lesson is to let him into the class, but with the proviso that Dawson must PRETEND NOT TO EXIST. He cannot ask questions or participate or LEARN; basically, Mr Gold SUCKS as a teacher all round.

Then there's Ms Jacobs.

It's not...normal for a 15 year old to walk into English class and say to his teacher “We really need to talk...about how your tongue was in my mouth” (at least, it wasn't at my school). Poor, poor Pacey. He's just trying to get some clarity and closure but DUDE. When your teacher (a huge red flag right there) pretends that she can't remember pashing you but then hijacks your English lesson to give you a veiled yet incredibly unsubtle message in analogy form, bumming out innocent students on the way: “Yes Nelly, that would be the OBVIOUS interpretation of Wuthering Heights but here's my interpretation that is basically a secret coded message for that one student in the class I inappropriately tongue-kissed..” then you should probably just cut your losses because she's a CRAZY FUCKED UP PERSON.

Ms Jacobs eventually says roughly this to Pacey, mentioning 10 years of therapy, how badass it was that she BROKE THE LAW and how they can NEVER do it again...before promptly grabbing Pacey and playing the old tonsil-hockey with him again. PACEY! I'm pretty sure teenage me thought you were SO COOL and swooned at how romantic the situation was, like OOOH forbidden love, but adult me wants to shake some sense into you and have that nightmare fuck-up of a teacher ARRESTED. Also, Dawson's Creek? Wow, I didn't appreciate at the time what a bizarre and inappropriate storyline this was.

So anyway. With the pilot out of the way it feels like a proper show now – there's a proper title sequence with the full theme song!



And we have a proper episode title this time: DANCE.

Also known as the episode that reveals (as early as second episode in) exactly why pretentious wannabe filmmaker Dawson Leery would be better off staying at home watching John Travolta dance films on a Saturday night LIKE HE PLANNED instead of going to the big school dance to try and win Jen's affection when he finds out she's going to be there with Cliff, a jock who asked her out.

(Cliff is played by none other than Scott Foley, which is awesome in itself. YOU CAN NEVER WIN Dawson!.)

He'll always be Noel off Felicity to me. Even though I've seen maybe 2 episodes of Felicity in my life. Oooh, next project?

The theme of this episode: DAWSON IS INCAPABLE OF BEHAVING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON..

The story, in a nutshell:

Filming continues on Dawson's monster movie. Joey refuses to kiss Pacey – the girl just can't see what's good for her, because she is clearly in love with a clueless, and I mean UTTERLY OBLIVIOUS Dawson. Actually, EVERYONE seems to be utterly oblivious to the fact that Joey is practically throwing herself at Dawson: she spent all of last episode obsessing about his genitals and hiding in his closet, and much of this episode is an extension of the pilot's open disdain and scorn for everything related to Dawson's feelings for Jen.

 Joey's growing on me. This line made me snort. 

Also? If Joey claims to be so worried about her and Dawson's burgeoning sexuality messing up their friendship, she should probably a) stop sneaking into his house and b) stop spying on him and c) wear a little more than just a bikini top. JUST SAYING, JO. (Oh yeah, hangover from last episode: master spy Joey knows that Dawson's tv news anchor mother is having an affair with her co-anchor, and in this episode keeps it from mentally fragile Dawson but confronts the mother about it, using her own tragic background: dead mother, jailbird drug smuggler father, "YOU'RE THE ONLY FAMILY I KNOW" as guilt inducer. Message: don't mess with Joey).

Anyway. Faced with Joey's insubordination Dawson makes a series of decisions that make me seriously question his film-making abilities. He doesn't tell his lead actress to just man up and do what the script requires (e.g. pash the Pacester), nor does he go the cheapest, simplest route of just cutting the kiss; instead he instigates a radical rewrite to replace Joey with Jen in the film as “the beautiful cousin”. When she and Pacey seem to enjoy their screen kiss a little too much HE FREAKING CUTS THE KISS (crazy eyes alert) and has a barely repressed rage-gasm and can't see what we can all see being foreshadowed:

Clearly, Dawson's going to have a huge nervous breakdown at the dance, you guys. He has an excuse though:

But before he lets the beast loose he does some vital preparation. He is (in his own deranged imagination at least) going to end the night by kissing Jen. So obviously, he needs to seek advice on this matter from a trusted buddy. Joey? Doubt it. The only advice the girl has to offer involves leather and Crisco (seriously, they try and sell Jen as the bad girl, but increasingly I'm convinced it's Joey who could kick Jen's ass in all aspects of badass bitchery). Pacey? Pacey, this whole episode, is dealing with his own issues with who his friends think is a “mystery woman” but who we know is Ms Jacobs, and so is a friend in absentia to poor, deranged Dawson.

New question:

Why doesn't everyone call Dawson Dork-son? This guy asks his dad in the awkwardest way possible about 'the mechanics of kissing girls' – he wants tips on technique - which Man Meat responds to with a horrific story about Chapstick (which in this episode gets horribly clunky product placement and after seeing Mitch and Gail eat face, I'm NEVER USING THAT PRODUCT AGAIN). Plus, honestly, with adult eyes, there's a creepy tension between Dawson Dorkson and his dad.

I'm like: Dorkson...ASK PACEY THESE QUESTIONS.

Practice pashing on your hand in the privacy of your room.

DO NOT PRACTICE KISSING ON A PAPIER MACHE REPLICA OF JOEY'S HEAD THRUST AT YOUR FACE BY YOUR FATHER AS HE SAYS “Moisten your bottom lip! Make it dance with hers!”

The creepiest part is that as this whole sick scenario plays out, Joey is spying from the staircase, and as Dawson pecks the macabre papier mache Joey, real Joey clearly imagines he is dryly kissing her Chapsticked lips. According to Dawson's Creek: this is romance.

Was I retarded when I was a teenager?

The Great Dorkson Meltdown

I don't know if my favourite part is BEFORE he goes to the dance, when he's lying on his bed with Joey (thought that was sposed to stop, hmmmmm?) and obsessing over what might be happening between odious jock Cliff (SCOTT FOLEY!) and Jen at the dance – he makes up a whole elaborate scenario, freaking out Joey on several levels,

then starts thrashing up and down manically because his THOUGHTS ARE PHYSICALLY PAINFUL,

or AT the dance, where Dawson's epic moodswings eventually push him over the edge.

Dawson decides to be The Man and basically challenge Cliff to a duel. He actually practically slaps him in the face with a glove, it's that awkward and poserish – he's trying to cut in at the dance and says something like “manly step aside because I'm here now, JEN YOU CAN HAVE ME”.

HAHAH it's hard to hate Dawson when he makes himself look like such a dick. When Dawson descends into his Manic/Emo Melodramatic Meltdown mode, it's actually amazing. Because you know how like, in Say Anything, there's that moment when John Cusack plays the song through the boombox over his head – like the big romantic gesture? Dawson is like that but he gets it so so amazingly wrong, and it's spectacularly awkward. Dude practices kissing on mummified heads with his dad for god's sake. And then he beats himself up over it and has to talk it out for 10 million years, and then, GUTTINGLY because there is no justice in the world, HE GETS THE GIRL ANYWAY.

Sort of. He meets up with a fuming Jen after the dance and tells her (I can't even type it without laughing) that he wants to be her “boy adventure”.

New question: how did the actors - who were ADULTS - not crack up laughing?

Dorkson's defective, right?

She's like “So...I'm interested. What do I need to do?”

Dorkson's beady little eyes light up and he says “Kiss me?”

BURN, Dorkson. Jen's excuse for not kissing him is another vague allusion to whatever happened in New York (she was moving “way too fast” apparently and if she kisses him she might “stumble and fall”. I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT ONE. If Dorkson was any kind of a man, he would say “These arms are strong, I'll catch you”. That's what Pacey would do).

Time to pick your allegiance as a heartbroken Joey(still spying)

witnesses Dorkson dancing in the street with Jen, who, if you think about it, just really insulted him, because she had no problem kissing Pacey.

TEAM JOEY all the way. I kind of love her bitchy dark side, and you know what? SHE COULD SO take Jen in a fight.