Season 1, Episode 4: Discovery

Episode in a nutshell: Dawson reveals the full extent of his crazy inner darkness and UNLEASHES THE BEAST on EVERYONE upon making a discovery. This is because nobody can understand or follow his insane mood-swings, and yet EVERYBODY TRIES REALLY HARD. 

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE EPISODE SO FAR BECAUSE DAWSON IS SUCH A CRAZY BITCH.

I've figured out your trick, ambiguous Dawson's Creek episode titles! The titular discovery of this light on action, but heavy on EMOtion episode could be any of the following:

1. Dawson discovers what Joey has secretly known for a couple of episodes now, but wisely opted not to tell him about based on his tendency to lose his already tenuous grasp on reality when anything deviates from the multicoloured sparkliness of Dawsonland (where everyone eats cupcakes all day long and ride unicorns across rainbows). That is: despite his parents being the most inappropriate of exhibitionists, his mother is having AN AFFAIR.

Extra bonus sub-discovery from Dawson's twisted perspective: JOEY IS WRONG FOR KEEPING THIS VITAL INFORMATION FROM HIM. As Joey SO RIGHTLY points out: if she HAD chosen to tell Dawson and shatter his perfect world, then Joey automatically = WRONG for SHATTERING DAWSON'S PERFECT WORLD. Poor Joey, she can't win, in love with a crazy person. BUT IT DOESN'T DISSUADE HER...

2. Dawson and Joey discover that Dawson accidentally filmed more than he intended up at the ruins, and realise that they are watching Ms Jacobs – one of their TEACHERS – make an O-face with an unidentified partner. The big discovery though, is that the guy with “brown hair and throbbing neck muscles” is PACEY WITTER, who confesses his part in the steamy (omg, not to mention criminal) proceedings to Dawson when he BREAKS INTO DAWSON'S ROOM LOOKING FOR THE TAPE. 

 

Extra bonus sub-discovery from Dawson's twisted perspective: PACEY (who it appears was actually just reaching out to Dawson in his confession, kind of like “Dude I'm way out of my depth I JUST GOT LAID (yay!) but BITCH IS CRAZY HELP ME” is

• an evil betrayer for keeping his blossoming studliness from Dawson. (Yes, that sounds a lot more...slash...than I intended). 
  
  
  
   Don't ask Dawson. Maybe ask Mitch to take a look?
   
• an evil meddler for daring to offer friendly well-meaning advice to Dawson (when Dawson discovers discovery #3)
• a huge threat now, because he's no longer “loser friend” but “friend who got laid by (an admittedly crazy) cougariffic teacher”. Guess Pacey's been having his own little chats with Man-Meat and putting that fatherly advice to practical use. MAKE HER LIPS DANCE PACEY. Oh my god I wish I could unimagine that now.

3. Dawson discovers that Jen...GASP...is not a virgin. And honestly? HAS A MASSIVE EMO ABOUT IT.

I do think this is an inappropriate conversation to be having with your Grandad. Even if he IS in a coma. 

 

Can I just state for the record here that back in the day, I used to hate Jen more than I hated Joey? If there's one FASCINATING pattern emerging early from the rewatch project, it's that as an adult, I can put my “sigh, romantic schoolgirl crush” glasses aside and see past the shallow “Oh I want X and Y characters to end up together” and actually appreciate some of the qualities in Jen and Joey I would have totally ignored or overlooked first time round.

Jen is reluctant to reveal her murky past (it's still murky for us, but at least we learn in this episode that her ''fast'' times in New York include having sex pretty young). But she tells Dawson that she's serious about actually having a relationship with him based on more than banter and shallow flirting – she acknowledges that is fun, but she wants to mean more than that. She reaches out to him when he's hurting at the revelation that his mother is having an affair – offering to listen, to talk it out, seriously with him. And she asks if he wants to know the truth about why she left New York, because she wants to be honest and not hide from him. She's not a virgin.

Dawson pretends like he's cool with it. 

But he's not, and he freaks out, and stops speaking to Jen. He's already stopped speaking to Joey (over her not telling him about his mother's affair) and relations with him and Pacey are slightly strained, now that Pacey is the man, and Dawson is The Virgin.

DAWSON OFFICIALLY ALIENATES ALL HIS FRIENDS IN THIS EPISODE.

The more he moodswings the better. Happy Dawson is boring. CRAZY DEMON-POSSESSED DAWSON? AWESOME.

Back in the day when I hated Jen, I would have been like “blah blah boring who cares?''. But now? I TOTALLY APPRECIATE THE CHARACTER. I appreciate that in Dawson's Creek she is a mature 15 year old who has seen too much of life and her mature approach to things reflects that; I appreciate her outlook: genuinely trying to start afresh, and make her life new and better. You know what? I HATED Dawson when he judged her, shutting her out because she all of a sudden didn't fit the fantasy picture he painted in his mind.

I am confused that now I am all GO JEN. I don't know who to hate anymore.

Please also note: this episode ends with Dawson and Joey discussing the end of their friendship, only they are imagining themselves in an alternate universe where they are getting married but both turn up to the wedding with dates. 

WTF DAWSON'S CREEK? This ending was supposed to be poignant and romantic and all like, achingly hopeful but all I could think was “Someone's on crack in the writer's room”.

Season 1, Episode 2: Dance

First of all, what is UP with the teachers at Capeside High?

We have Mr Gold, the film teacher who, in the pilot episode, bluntly explained to Dawson why an overwhelming sense of entitlement and a “lifelong passion for film”are not enough to make him bend the rules and allow a freshman into a film class intended for sophomores. Basically, Dawson was told in the pilot that with demand for the popular class running so high, he's gonna have to wait a year to take the class.

This episode, Dawson has found a loophole: he just happens to have 5^th period as his study period, but the library is just so crowded and “sweaty”. God knows I hate a sweaty library. He's good to spend study period with Mr Gold, if that's cool with Mr Gold.

Oh. coincidentally, 5^th period is when Mr Gold teaches the film class that he wouldn't let Dawson into.

DAWSON IS A MANIPULATIVE, PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE LITTLE BITCH.

So instead of Mr Gold saying “No, suck it up in the library, Princess, learn to follow the goddamn rules because good things come to those who wait”, he decides the best way to teach Dawson a valuable lesson is to let him into the class, but with the proviso that Dawson must PRETEND NOT TO EXIST. He cannot ask questions or participate or LEARN; basically, Mr Gold SUCKS as a teacher all round.

Then there's Ms Jacobs.

It's not...normal for a 15 year old to walk into English class and say to his teacher “We really need to talk...about how your tongue was in my mouth” (at least, it wasn't at my school). Poor, poor Pacey. He's just trying to get some clarity and closure but DUDE. When your teacher (a huge red flag right there) pretends that she can't remember pashing you but then hijacks your English lesson to give you a veiled yet incredibly unsubtle message in analogy form, bumming out innocent students on the way: “Yes Nelly, that would be the OBVIOUS interpretation of Wuthering Heights but here's my interpretation that is basically a secret coded message for that one student in the class I inappropriately tongue-kissed..” then you should probably just cut your losses because she's a CRAZY FUCKED UP PERSON.

Ms Jacobs eventually says roughly this to Pacey, mentioning 10 years of therapy, how badass it was that she BROKE THE LAW and how they can NEVER do it again...before promptly grabbing Pacey and playing the old tonsil-hockey with him again. PACEY! I'm pretty sure teenage me thought you were SO COOL and swooned at how romantic the situation was, like OOOH forbidden love, but adult me wants to shake some sense into you and have that nightmare fuck-up of a teacher ARRESTED. Also, Dawson's Creek? Wow, I didn't appreciate at the time what a bizarre and inappropriate storyline this was.

So anyway. With the pilot out of the way it feels like a proper show now – there's a proper title sequence with the full theme song!



And we have a proper episode title this time: DANCE.

Also known as the episode that reveals (as early as second episode in) exactly why pretentious wannabe filmmaker Dawson Leery would be better off staying at home watching John Travolta dance films on a Saturday night LIKE HE PLANNED instead of going to the big school dance to try and win Jen's affection when he finds out she's going to be there with Cliff, a jock who asked her out.

(Cliff is played by none other than Scott Foley, which is awesome in itself. YOU CAN NEVER WIN Dawson!.)

He'll always be Noel off Felicity to me. Even though I've seen maybe 2 episodes of Felicity in my life. Oooh, next project?

The theme of this episode: DAWSON IS INCAPABLE OF BEHAVING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON..

The story, in a nutshell:

Filming continues on Dawson's monster movie. Joey refuses to kiss Pacey – the girl just can't see what's good for her, because she is clearly in love with a clueless, and I mean UTTERLY OBLIVIOUS Dawson. Actually, EVERYONE seems to be utterly oblivious to the fact that Joey is practically throwing herself at Dawson: she spent all of last episode obsessing about his genitals and hiding in his closet, and much of this episode is an extension of the pilot's open disdain and scorn for everything related to Dawson's feelings for Jen.

 Joey's growing on me. This line made me snort. 

Also? If Joey claims to be so worried about her and Dawson's burgeoning sexuality messing up their friendship, she should probably a) stop sneaking into his house and b) stop spying on him and c) wear a little more than just a bikini top. JUST SAYING, JO. (Oh yeah, hangover from last episode: master spy Joey knows that Dawson's tv news anchor mother is having an affair with her co-anchor, and in this episode keeps it from mentally fragile Dawson but confronts the mother about it, using her own tragic background: dead mother, jailbird drug smuggler father, "YOU'RE THE ONLY FAMILY I KNOW" as guilt inducer. Message: don't mess with Joey).

Anyway. Faced with Joey's insubordination Dawson makes a series of decisions that make me seriously question his film-making abilities. He doesn't tell his lead actress to just man up and do what the script requires (e.g. pash the Pacester), nor does he go the cheapest, simplest route of just cutting the kiss; instead he instigates a radical rewrite to replace Joey with Jen in the film as “the beautiful cousin”. When she and Pacey seem to enjoy their screen kiss a little too much HE FREAKING CUTS THE KISS (crazy eyes alert) and has a barely repressed rage-gasm and can't see what we can all see being foreshadowed:

Clearly, Dawson's going to have a huge nervous breakdown at the dance, you guys. He has an excuse though:

But before he lets the beast loose he does some vital preparation. He is (in his own deranged imagination at least) going to end the night by kissing Jen. So obviously, he needs to seek advice on this matter from a trusted buddy. Joey? Doubt it. The only advice the girl has to offer involves leather and Crisco (seriously, they try and sell Jen as the bad girl, but increasingly I'm convinced it's Joey who could kick Jen's ass in all aspects of badass bitchery). Pacey? Pacey, this whole episode, is dealing with his own issues with who his friends think is a “mystery woman” but who we know is Ms Jacobs, and so is a friend in absentia to poor, deranged Dawson.

New question:

Why doesn't everyone call Dawson Dork-son? This guy asks his dad in the awkwardest way possible about 'the mechanics of kissing girls' – he wants tips on technique - which Man Meat responds to with a horrific story about Chapstick (which in this episode gets horribly clunky product placement and after seeing Mitch and Gail eat face, I'm NEVER USING THAT PRODUCT AGAIN). Plus, honestly, with adult eyes, there's a creepy tension between Dawson Dorkson and his dad.

I'm like: Dorkson...ASK PACEY THESE QUESTIONS.

Practice pashing on your hand in the privacy of your room.

DO NOT PRACTICE KISSING ON A PAPIER MACHE REPLICA OF JOEY'S HEAD THRUST AT YOUR FACE BY YOUR FATHER AS HE SAYS “Moisten your bottom lip! Make it dance with hers!”

The creepiest part is that as this whole sick scenario plays out, Joey is spying from the staircase, and as Dawson pecks the macabre papier mache Joey, real Joey clearly imagines he is dryly kissing her Chapsticked lips. According to Dawson's Creek: this is romance.

Was I retarded when I was a teenager?

The Great Dorkson Meltdown

I don't know if my favourite part is BEFORE he goes to the dance, when he's lying on his bed with Joey (thought that was sposed to stop, hmmmmm?) and obsessing over what might be happening between odious jock Cliff (SCOTT FOLEY!) and Jen at the dance – he makes up a whole elaborate scenario, freaking out Joey on several levels,

then starts thrashing up and down manically because his THOUGHTS ARE PHYSICALLY PAINFUL,

or AT the dance, where Dawson's epic moodswings eventually push him over the edge.

Dawson decides to be The Man and basically challenge Cliff to a duel. He actually practically slaps him in the face with a glove, it's that awkward and poserish – he's trying to cut in at the dance and says something like “manly step aside because I'm here now, JEN YOU CAN HAVE ME”.

HAHAH it's hard to hate Dawson when he makes himself look like such a dick. When Dawson descends into his Manic/Emo Melodramatic Meltdown mode, it's actually amazing. Because you know how like, in Say Anything, there's that moment when John Cusack plays the song through the boombox over his head – like the big romantic gesture? Dawson is like that but he gets it so so amazingly wrong, and it's spectacularly awkward. Dude practices kissing on mummified heads with his dad for god's sake. And then he beats himself up over it and has to talk it out for 10 million years, and then, GUTTINGLY because there is no justice in the world, HE GETS THE GIRL ANYWAY.

Sort of. He meets up with a fuming Jen after the dance and tells her (I can't even type it without laughing) that he wants to be her “boy adventure”.

New question: how did the actors - who were ADULTS - not crack up laughing?

Dorkson's defective, right?

She's like “So...I'm interested. What do I need to do?”

Dorkson's beady little eyes light up and he says “Kiss me?”

BURN, Dorkson. Jen's excuse for not kissing him is another vague allusion to whatever happened in New York (she was moving “way too fast” apparently and if she kisses him she might “stumble and fall”. I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT ONE. If Dorkson was any kind of a man, he would say “These arms are strong, I'll catch you”. That's what Pacey would do).

Time to pick your allegiance as a heartbroken Joey(still spying)

witnesses Dorkson dancing in the street with Jen, who, if you think about it, just really insulted him, because she had no problem kissing Pacey.

TEAM JOEY all the way. I kind of love her bitchy dark side, and you know what? SHE COULD SO take Jen in a fight.